Feelings

[Tom]

Are you guys having this same experience? That they just "feel" differently about the whole thing than you do? She's not home with me right now, is back with her fam, but to her, the wedding prep is all that is going on. To me, yes, we're gettign married in three weeks, great, lots of stuff ot get done, great, but... that's it. I'm thrilled to be marrying her, but it's just an event.

Do you all feel they take this whole thing way more seriously than you do?

My pal burke told me of a similar experience. Just after he and Tara were married, she was asking him all kinds of questions like, "don't you just feel different, now that we're married?" And his answer was, "uhh, sure, but not dramatically so." OR something to that effect.

Point: they seem to take this all more seriously than we do.

experiences? responses?

[Michael]

I think that it's partly due to how "bride-centric" most traditional weddings are nowadays.

The focus is centered around the bridal experience, which (whether they realize it or not) can have a large effect on how a bride-to-be approaches the whole process.

It's assumed that the bride will be involved in the majority of the planning and preparation, if not all of it... which leaves the groom to choose his own level of involvement.

As far as feelings go, I think it's all relative to the two people involved. Regardless of male or female, people have their own ideas and expectations of what "married life" will be like, and there's no real normal way to approach it, since it changes for everyone.


For my own situation...

She's much more organized than I am, so she's handling most of the logistics while I offer my creativity in the form of ideas and suggestions that she may not have considered. It has more to do with our personalities than any traditional idea of "The bride does the planning with the help of the groom."

We've been together for 6 years, and have lived together for 3 of those, so we already have a solid sense of what it will be like to be married. We don't expect much to change in our relationship, other than having the added legal and financial benefits.

Even so, we're still really excited about the wedding possibilities and we're constantly bouncing ideas off each other to keep the process evolving. It's a mutual 50/50 exchange and it works really well for us.

[Chris]

Most of the time Hannah and I seem on the same wavelength. She likes being in control of things and that leaves things open for me to chime in when needed. This, however, is not always the case. I've had to learn to be very observant of what's going on so I can give encouragement when necessary (it's been pointed out to me a couple of times that I need to do this without prompting). It helps that Hannah never really had interest in marriage before me (this has been confirmed by everyone that knows her), so we view the wedding as less of a stressful event and more of a chance to share and celebrate our love with those that love us.

I think we both know that not much will change between us other than a new focus on starting a family as we're both excited to be parents.

[C. Lane]

This is an interesting thread, beacuse I've noticed on the Offbeat Bride site and eleswhere there is a phenomenon called post-bridal depression. Yep, it exists, I just googled it. You and your bride have just put up to a year or two of your life focusing on this one thing and now it's over. Sigh of relief... honeymoon f-ing...now what? I say as good Offbeat Grooms we should start secretly talking about what we're gonna do for our ladies after the ring goes on and the dress comes off. Luckily my bride likes football, wings, and beer.

[Martin]

Can't add too much buddy, mine's very much the same. We're having an awesome after-party with homebrewed kegs and grilled everything. I certainly don't feel like she needs to be appeased for lack of my involvement because we've both worked really hard on this whole shindig.
I'm not planning anything as such but there's a while to go yet and I probably won't be able to resist pulling something cool out of my sleeve just to cap the whole thing with a cherry.

I'm sure we could all think of run-of-the-mill options, but what about some innovative alternatives to those?
Hm. Well first off, pampering. Chances are, she's been through her share of treatments beforehand. How about doing it yourself? Head to the library and learn how to make soaps, take a massage course or something, buy some new fluffy towels and go to town.

Or plant a garden, trying to time the harvest so you can make your first meal from it soon after the wedding. Take the time to understand the principles and learn to care for it.

Build a good solid firepit or clay oven in the backyard you can both share for years and years to come, or plant some fruit trees.

Take this as an opportunity to pursue something you've always wanted to but "mañana, mañana" 'd to oblivion and secretly regret watching slip by. Or write 5 crazy things you'd never really considered doing and draw from a hat together: paragliding, cage dancing, 'gator wrestling, biathlon training and tapdance.
Take a language course together before your honeymoon.
You know, whatever mashes your potatoes.

Make her realize how much she makes you grow as a person, how much she inspires you and what your commitment drives you to do, how much you want to share the world with her! I like the idea of a lasting, enduring idea, even if it's just a gesture.

[Chris]

I think that I can offer you some solace. The "rocket-friend" and I share essentially the same sentiment. I honestly only resigned myself to ask that question of questions because I saw us dating indefinitely anyways, fond of each other as we are...ours was kind of a question of "why not?" We had this discussion just last night about our ethic toward the institution of marriage (being both of us atheists, feminists, and psychological egoists).

I'm stricken with a potentially life threatening health problem, see? So, said she: "is there anything that you will miss about being single" (the simple answer is no, dating sucks and the end to be achieved in such a drawn out endeavor was someone such as you anyways...so...) and she followed with: "I don't know that I'd care to live if this thing were to kill you before you're able to have surgery" which launches me into this diatribe. I used to hate it when one person in a relationship would regard their partner as "their purpose." Such a notion had always sounded to me like it's both shifting an unfair amount of significance on the partner AND as though it's depriving the person saying it of being their OWN meaning in life. Suffice to say that meeting Jen softened these callus Epicurean ideals such that I responded "You know, meeting you notwithstanding my own goals in life would have been to travel, live, love, have fun, travel, and, yes...leave an indelible mark on society...blah, blah, blah. But really, having met you, what are those things if I'm not sharing them with yourself?"

We were agreed on this. My point is...we decided this whole affair is totally about US. I have a staunchly fundamentalist-neo-protestant family that I hazard alienating terribly should I carry through with the sort of ceremony that WE want to have so we're instead hosting a debauched, drunken dance party the evening before instead of a blow out reception after the actual ceremony in favor of pocketing the cash and stealing away to central America for a sort of "honeymoon." Don't fret over the details...it's about you digging each-other, not about "colors," uptight family, or copious amounts of unnecessary stress.